Today was our last day of work. More mine than Felipe’s, since he’s got a “bonus”: had to change a little the plans and will be working on Monday again.
We left home earlier than we normally do, took the 8:00 bus and not the 8:45 one as we usually do. I couldn’t recognize anyone in the bus, odd. I didn’t take my breakfast to work to have it later, because I was late, however, we had breakfast at a nice cafè, calmly and I got to work before 9:00.
At 2:30 PM my boss said “Have you finished everything? You can go anytime you want”. The feeling of leaving early on my last day was weird, saying goodbye to everyone and simply leaving in the middle of the afternoon, something I’ve never done before… No… I preferred to stay until the end of the day, give the last tips to Amii, the girl that will be replacing me, send the last emails that someone may need, delete my personal files and passwords from my computer, let everybody go, one by one, passing by my desk and giving me a hug – enjoy your trip / see you again in 6 months.
I was the last one to leave, already without my keys, as I didn’t look back I had the feeling that today is another Friday just like any other, it was 5:30 in the afternoon and the shops were still open, the streets and bars full of people… Because tomorrow is Saturday.
But from now on everyday will be Saturday. Perhaps with some Sundays in between, when the shops do not open and people are not running. Week days will no longer exist until March next year.
I am here trying to find a way to explain the sensation of freedom of this moment, but as Cecília Meireles said in one of her many great books
“Freedom, the word that feeds the human dream, that there is no one who can explain, and that nobody do not understand.”
Everyone has been asking me if I am excited, perhaps next week I will be, maybe even tomorrow I will be, but not today. Today I’m still trying to understand all that is happening, this dream that we feed and is still hard to believe when it becomes reality, trying to understand what’s to come next.
It is not easy to think that in the next 6 months I’ll have no routine, every day in the morning I will wake up and choose what I want to do for the day. Every single day. Nothing will be predictable or certain. Over the next 6 months I will not have any income in my bank account, only spending money, and I don’t even know whether it will be enough or not. I won’t have a house with all my stuff to come back in the end of each day, or a car when I have to go far or when it’s raining. I will not see any familiar face in the streets, much less in the 8:45 bus.
I know that what I’m leaving behind now is not even close to what I left behind when I left Brazil, 1 year and 3 months ago, and came to New Zealand. I know that the first kick into this life independent of anchors began back there, still in Brazil, when I untied my boat from the many heavy anchors that it had. But it is only now that I realize the real effect of all this.
Suddenly my excitement calmed down, I am not so annoyed with the cold of winter anymore and I’m starting to dream about the life I’ll have when I get back here. As I waited for Felipe for his work’s farewell dinner, I was wandering in a department store, and rather than looking for travel equipments/clothes, something took me to the household utensils part of the store and I caught myself dreaming of my future home. Tomorrow I’ll be back on the run with my travel planning (which list is still big and I will leave it to the next post).
Maybe it’s my new age. The day before yesterday was my 29th birthday, and as any cycle that closes, I think that this trip came at the right time, to make the most of my 20s last year. But at the same time it is difficult to turn 29 not thinking of the next birthday, it is a time of transition and reflection, how would be the beginning of the 30s?
We make big and little decisions all the time, that direct our lives. But now this seems more real, not just a pre-made phrase that we say without paying attention. I have so many decisions to make from now on, from what I am going to do for the day to what I will do for my life. This is fascinating!! But for some reason the existentialist philosophy of Sartre is hammering in my head…
“Freedom is the anguish of men”.